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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
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Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....
[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believin you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
Sooo long ago
Ohh I'm free now and my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or turned
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...
[Chorus]
I don't know where I belong
But i'll be movin on
If you don't....
If you won't....
listen...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But I will complete
Oh,
Now i'm done believing you
You dont know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my own...
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Sunday, September 19th, 2010
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A Little Bit Stronger lyrics
Woke up late today,
and I could still feel the sting of pain,
but I brushed my teeth anyway.
Got dressed through the mess, and
put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Riding in the car to work,
and I try to soothe all the hurt.
There's a song on the radio,
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
And I'm not hoping we can work it out.
I'm done with how I feel .
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I'm not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK ,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
It doesn't happen overnight.
But you turn around and a months gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour, or a second,
or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.
And I'm not hoping we could work it out.
I'm done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I'm not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
Getting along without you baby.
Better off without you baby .
How does it feel without me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.
And I'm not hoping we could work it out.
I'm done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I'm not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
Little bit, little bit, little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
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I am now making this journal friends only. Meaning if you aren't logged into your account you won't be able to read my entries. If I need to add you back to my list just send me a message and let me know.
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Thursday, September 16th, 2010
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| Time: | 8:25 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. |
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i'm gonna lose it soon.
my schedule sucks. i get it.
i work opposite from everyone else, i get it.
i spend the entire time i am at work talking...with tables, with other servers, with hosts, with bartenders, with cooks.
the last thing i want to do when i get out of work after 4, 5, 6+ hours of making small talk, is to call someone up and have a conversation with them.
i talk my whole freaking day...i want some rest.
its not my fault my schedule is opposite.
i'm sorry that people have a relationship with my voicemail.
i'm doing the best that i can.
how come some friendships seem so effortless and others dont?
how come there are people you can not talk to for months and it feels like its just been a day?
i'm becoming irritated.
i get it, its a two way street.
your schedules haven't changed. my schedule hasn't changed.
so cut me some fucking slack.
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Sunday, September 5th, 2010
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I decided to look up the lyrics to a song I heard the first night Mark and I kissed...He put it on when we were sitting in his car and he leaned over and kissed me. I'm struck by how much they fit into the situation.
Dirty Heads- Knows That I
She knows that I
I'm never ever gonna run away
So close your eyes
Cause words only get in the way
Maybe you wanna love me
Maybe you wanna leave
Maybe you wanna run to him
Or stay here with me
And now you sit and stare with a crooked smile
Sit think in your own denial
Admit when we touched our lips
It hit both you and I
A heart with a different name
Ashamed that you felt the same
Deal with the pain and still remain
Or hope for a change
She's like a welcome summer rain, comes with perfect timing
She said love needs pressure, pressure turns to diamonds
Like a welcome summer rain, comes with perfect timing
Love needs pressure
Well pressure makes diamonds
[Chorus:]
She knows that I
I'm never ever gonna run away
She knows that I
I'm crazy but I'm not insane
She knows that I
Mean every word that I say
So close your eyes
Cause words only get in the way
Well I got this loving feeling up inside of my soul
It's like every step I take I feel it calling me home
I'm put in situations just so hard for me to stay true
But its so easy for me cause I keep thinking of you
And our love, it keeps me knowing everything will be fine
And your love, it keeps me going when I'm losing my mind
And your love, it keeps me warm when I'm sleeping alone
It's your love that keeps me strong. I can't wait to get home
She's like a welcome summer rain, comes with perfect timing
She said love needs pressure, pressure turns to diamonds
Like a welcome summer rain, comes with perfect timing
Love needs pressure
Well pressure makes diamonds
[Chorus]
Go to him and say
I'm gone, you never thought I could go
I'm gone, you never loved me so
I'm gone , you never thought I could go
I'm gone
I'm gone
[Chorus]
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Saturday, September 4th, 2010
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| Time: | 2:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  happy. |
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So maybe Waldorf isn't all that bad...:)
new beginnings.
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Wednesday, September 1st, 2010
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that the smartest thing I have done for myself in a long time...was to finally let you go.
A woman should have...
...one old love who reminds her how far she has come
...a feeling of control over her destiny
Every woman should know...
...how to fall in love without losing herself
...how to break up with a lover
...when to try harder, and when to walk away
...what she would or wouldn't do for love
I'm finally living for me.
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Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
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| Time: | 10:46 pm. |
| Mood: |  nervous. |
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I was invited out tomorrow night by some of the servers at Carrabbas. I feel so childish for saying this but I'm really nervous/excited. I really hope that I can make some friends working here. I want to be liked. I want to meet people. I don't want to feel so alone down here.
I'm nervous about this job because I want to be as good if not better than I was before at serving. This restaurant is so different from Bertuccis in so many ways and I know theres a lot I need to catch up on. I just want to do a good job...and make some good friends.
I'm nervous...and intimidated.
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| Time: | 11:26 am. |
| Mood: |  blah. |
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I wish my schedule wasn't so opposite from everyone elses...
Everyone works during the day (which I should be doing...lousy budget problems)
I work during the night...and by night I literally start work at 4pm, you know, the time that everyone else is getting out of work at.
I haven't spoken to most of my friends since I've been down here...and now that my schedule is getting crazier I'm worried about when I will get a chance to speak to them.
I know that people are getting annoyed with me...I just hope they understand its literally my schedule and not me blowing them off.
I miss home.
I miss getting in my car and driving to see my friends.
I miss coffee dates, girls night, shinanigans.
I miss just being able to see everyone.
I'm doing okay...it just gets lonely sometime. I wish I had some familiarity around here. I don't really have any friends here. No confidants like I have at home. And with my schedule being so polar opposite from everyone else, it makes it a bit difficult.
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| Time: | 1:04 pm. |
| Mood: | scared. |
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I'm trying to decide how fresh of a start I want...how fresh of a start I need.
I still feel so confused. I feel like I can't work through the emotions I am feeling. I feel like I can't figure myself out.
Tomorrow starts the new chapter to my life.
I'm not sure what I should take out of the old...
and what I should leave behind.
I'm waiting for it to hit me.
I think it will once I'm alone...
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| Time: | 3:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. |
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I can't decide what I want...
I can't decide how I feel...
I feel like the time is just confusing me more. I feel like I'm keeping myself busy and not dealing with or facing the things I need to deal with or face.
I realized today looking at some facebook pictures that I wish I had done more in college. I wish I had gone out more and had the crazy memories/pictures that my friends have. I wish I had wanted to do that. There was always to side of me. And I feel like I let the conservative side win most of the time.
I'm listening to angry/sad music. I know I shouldn't. I need to keep myself on a level emotional plane.
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| Time: | 2:31 pm. |
| Mood: | annoyed. |
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I've burned my bridges.
I've cut the ties.
I've walked away.
I can't help the fact that others haven't
and if I don't want to cross those burned bridges...I need to stay on my side.
...Looking through facebook makes me sick.
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| Time: | 12:53 pm. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. |
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I got a job...
its weird...I thought I would still be riding on cloud nine. I think its because I know its the government and I would feel SOOO much more comfortable if I had a piece of paper to confirm it rather that just a voice over the phone say they put in an application for a direct hire.
I cried when I got the news. I feel like everything is finally starting to work itself out. I feel like months of banging my head against a wall is finally going somewhere. I brought that damn wall down.
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Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
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I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go ,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you .
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window ,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But </b> more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too </b>
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big
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Saturday, April 24th, 2010
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| Time: | 11:16 pm. |
| Mood: |  uncomfortable. |
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I feel like I shouldn't care...but I'm bothered.
I think it just brings up old memories...how I let myself be used and abused by so many people for so many years. People I considered friends...people that I cared about.
I've shut the door on that old life. My feelings are dead to it and them. But certain things still get under my skin and affect me.
I'll keep practicing my poker face.
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2010
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| Time: | 1:03 pm. |
| Mood: | confused. |
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Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you
And maybe turning my back would be that much easier
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away
Can I forget about the way it feels to touch you?
And all about the good times that we've been through
Could I wake up without you every day?
Would I let you walk away?
No, I can't learn to live without
And I can't give up on us now
[Chorus]
Oh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
A promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie
Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean
No, I can't learn to live without
Ohh, so don't you give up on us now
Ohh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
A promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie
Ohh, and I don't wanna try
Ohhhh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
A promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie
I just can't live a lie
But even if I made a vow
A promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie
Oh, I cant live a lie [x2]
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I feel like I'm not the fun friend...I'm the responsible friend. By responsible I mean I don't do anything...ever. I feel like a goody-two-shoes...maybe thats a better way to explain it.
I want to go out, but when I get out I just feel out of place...so I don't try going out anymore. I feel like I don't fit in with my age anymore...and I don't like it.
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Saturday, March 27th, 2010
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| Time: | 4:48 pm. |
| Mood: | uncomfortable. |
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how do you talk when you feel like nobody supports the decisions you make?
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| Time: | 9:57 am. |
| Mood: | confused. |
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I don't know how to think with everyone else's thoughts inside my head.
I've never felt so lost for words before.
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emotional abuse.
Where did you go?! And why won't you just come back?!
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mystia's journal
thoughtful.